I Deserve This....

You probably think I deserve what's about to happen to me. You're probably right. But I don't deserve this for any reason that you're assuming. You probably think that this girl is nice, she's probably very sweet in your eyes. Look at her little Forever 21 hoody/sweater that she got half off cause her sister works there. Her carefully ironed skirt--and her cute pony tail. She's gotta be a sweetheart! Probably a cheerleader, right?  A wholesome hometown girl with ambitions and goals. Yeah, and I probably said something way mean to her, huh?  If you're assuming all of this--you're a judgemental son of a b**** (or daughter, I don't wanna rule any genders out). No, I don't deserve this for any reason other than the fact that I shouldn't have been at lunch with this girl. This...this psychotic, sociopathic...freak of a woman. Let me take you back...

March 9th, 2009. I met Cindy at a Coffee Bean. Normally, I'm not one to approach a good looking woman. I mean, look at me. I kind of resemble Steve from Blue's Clues, I work at the Genius Bar in the Apple Store and I'm majoring in Geometry. The only time women even talk to me is when they didn't understand something our professor said in class. Which is ridicuous, in my opinion. I mean, how many times does he have to say that a quantum of electromagnetic energy is a photon? It does give me some satisfaction, though, when the prettiest girls in school ask to exchange notes. But that's all they want to exchange with me. Notes. Meanwhile, they're exchanging bodily fluids with the cool (douchebag) musicians and the (douchebag-er) football players. But there was something about this girl. She was special. She was different. She looked at me, winked at me. If I wasn't standing with my back against a wall, I would have sworn she was gesturing to some guy behind me. Long story short, I got her number. I'm not gonna go into details on how I tripped over an old man's cane while making my way over to her. It probably didn't help that his wife hit me in the back with her purse for not apologizing. But I was trying to keep my cool, and I did that to the best of my ability. Luckily, in her eyes, clumsyness is attractive. 

Cindy and I ended up really hitting it off. She was beautiful! At first I was having trouble believing that she liked me; no woman LIKES me. She had to be using me for something, right? Maybe she needed some help with some extremely hard science project or something. But after a while--she seemed genuine. Where other women would say that I was clumsy, she would call me handsome. Where other women would say I was a dork, she would say I was sexy. Some women would consider it repulsive to see me picking my nose with the same intensity as a dwarf fighting a midget for the last sip of sparkling champagne at a bar... But she would just tell me to stop and kiss me on my cheek. We also had a lot in common. She played tennis in middle school, I play ping pong with my friends on Saturdays. She was on the boys high school wrestling team, I watch WWE every Monday...sometimes. She plays the electric guitar in a band in college, I'm at PRO level on Guitar Hero! We were like--meant for each other.

That's what I thought, at least. Something happened, though. Something really weird. It was like waking up, expecting another ordinary day in heaven, but finding yourself in a level below hell. Cindy had become noticably needy. I embraced it for the first day. I thought it was cute, receiving ten text messages from her in the same minute. I even overlooked it when she jokingly said she would kill herself and our baby if I didn't propose to her on our six month anniversary... Which, I personally thought was weird, being that I'm still a virgin. But coming home at 1am from work and seeing her in my tub... Not showering, crying... That can take a toll on a man's equilibrium (I fainted). Especially since she didn't have a key to my place. I ended the relationship out of fear that I would wake up one day, hanging from the ceiling fan by my intestines.

She was crazy, and I had to face that. I wish I could tell you that this is where the story ends. That I lived my life, Cindy-free and got married to some sane lady ten years from now. But I agreed to have lunch with the, now rehabilitated Cindy. She had just gotten done telling me how great her life is without me. I would have believed that everything was fine until the look she just gave me. Its a demonic, Lisa Lampanelli type of look. "You see this cup, Jared?" She's just asked. "This cup holds revenge for what you've put me through. My soul burned when you left. My heart melted. And now you will feel the same sensation." ...Battery acid. She put battery acid in her milk. She hadn't taken one sip from that cup, I should have known. I should have known a lot of things. For one, I should have known that it was beyond dumb coming to lunch with her behind a mountain where no one would find my body. I should have known that she would try to harm me in SOME way...I should have known! Ignorance can only be blissful to children, adults get penalized no matter the circumstances. And here I am, about to recieve a face full of acid-milk. So if you think I deserve what's about to happen to me, you're absolutely right.